Some call it anxiety/panic
attacks/feeling low, but nothing really describes it.
I was 18 years old and unaware of many feelings and thoughts. I was very
enthusiastic about life and looking forward to learning so much that was yet to
come my way. When I finished school I felt I stepped into adulthood and felt
like such a grown up, that feeling was great and really encouraged me to have a
positive approach to life and to not be afraid to face challenges. I considered
myself to be a very strong person, who wouldn't brake easily.
In 2000 I started college where I became very popular with my large group of
friends. Life was great, no major responsibilities, no tension or worries and no
fear of what was going to happen tomorrow. Family life was ideal; late night
take away with dad, movies with mum. I felt very secure around them.
At that age it's hard to stop the giggles once they start. Together with my
sisters we could laugh at anything. Fun, gossips, shopping was what life was all
about. Home was where mum, dad and my sisters were. My sisters were my best
friends, they were my life, my best gifts.
Our house was always busy and noisy but in this noisy house one day I woke up
feeling like something inside me had changed. I heard a strange silence that
nobody else could hear. Even around my sisters I felt a bit lonely, it was
strange. I had never felt like this before. I thought it must be one of those
days but when that silence within continued for some time I tried figuring out
on my own why I didn't feel like talking as much. Why I didn't want to see my
friends? Why did I want to rush home before the day had ended? I didn't have
answers.
When I experienced consistent extreme sadness I thought to myself "maybe I am
just changing as a person." Other times I tried reassuring myself by thinking
that I will feel better soon. Eventually it became very painful to make the
simplest move to get out of bed in the morning and go to college, I didn't want
to meet anybody, didn't want to see my friends or take their calls. It was easy
to pretend to myself that I had migraine so wasn't going out but it was equally
hard to hide myself in my duvet and stay in as this was later followed by guilt
of missing my college lectures and falling behind with my work. My number of
friends started reducing as number of sick days increased. My performance at the
college dropped and I couldn't achieve the grades that I was capable of. This
left me worrying about my future and uncertain about what options I had left.
I was waiting for the academic year to end as I imagined I would feel better if
surroundings changed. During that summer I went out of country for 2 months but
only to come back and find myself feeling like I had fallen down into a deep
dark well where I had given up hope of ever coming back out again. I was trying
to make my peace inside this well instead of screaming and shouting out for
help. After returning from abroad I became so depressed that I couldn't go back
to college and resigned from my part-time job. I was unaware what went wrong.
Sometimes I used to think maybe I need help, then I would think but help for
what? Feeling sad all the time! I didn't know I had become severely depressed
and could have received some form of treatment by approaching the right
professional.
Everything seemed so meaningless and empty. It felt as if no one would
understand how I felt, if anyone did ask I had no words but tears. Every morning
the day coming ahead felt like a huge mountain that I had to climb without help,
without a rope or harness. Every afternoon I waited for the evening then during
this time I hated to look out and see some darkness and some leftover dying
sunshine. Finally the day would end and I couldn't wait for sunrise again. From
morning to afternoon I began counting months and years to pass by in the hope of
feeling happiness which I had lost. No matter what I did and where I went I
couldn't escape from the sadness within. That sadness felt like a scary shadow
that chased me everywhere.
There was a race going on within, I wanted to win against that sadness but I was
losing. The world and life ahead felt scary. I didn't want to face anything and
wanted to hide. That's when my little bedroom became my shelter where I found
some comfort and peace. I felt helpless and couldn't leave my room for days.
Every morning I sat on my bed starring out of the window for hours as I enjoyed
watching nature. I watched leaves falling from trees and flowers growing.
Through that window I saw seasons changing. I wasn't helping my situation at all
by locking myself in my bedroom. Eventually I started to gain weight which
naturally made me feel worse about myself. From then onwards each year I gained
more weight and became obese. Everything had gone downhill, from my education to
my appearance. I had lost my self esteem and confidence.
With a lot of encouragement from my sister I went back to college. I didn't feel
better. I tried very hard not to feel depressed but this monstrous scary shadow
just didn't leave me alone, it was with me everywhere I went. I felt in a mess
and couldn't see a way out. This is when the concept of death seemed
interesting; it felt like a way out. I felt relieved thinking that one day I was
going to die and everything will be okay. Instead of living my life I found
myself waiting for the end of life, for death. I couldn't see a good reason to
carry on living. Eventually I started feeling suicidal, which became an
enjoyable idea.
On my worst days I use to think "I've lived enough with this sadness, today I
will do it, but how should I do it in the least painful way?" Then I would lose
the courage to act on it thinking of the misery that I would put my family
through. I was alive because I had no other choice.
It is very likely that a patient of depression who starts feeling suicidal may
not approach help as they may feel hopeless. This is where family or friends can
play their role. If you know a person who is struggling then ask for help on
their behalf.
My reason for sharing my personal most intense experiences is to increase
awareness for anyone who may be suffering what I suffered to call for help.
Silence will not help you and so much help is available to you. You just have to
ask. If you feel consistent sadness then you could be suffering depression. Some
people are aware that they need treatment but do not ask due to the stigma that
society has put on patients suffering any mental health conditions. All mental
health conditions are biological, they are the same as being epileptic,
asthmatic or having a broken bone. We are not embarrassed or hesitant when
telling anyone about these illnesses then why do we encourage stigma on mental
health by hiding any mental health conditions?
In extreme cases, antidepressants may not help but talking to family or friends
could. Some patients with this mental health condition will feel better just
over time. Studies show that depression is triggered by a life changing event or
at times there may not be any reason for its occurrence and could take a patient
a few years to have a normal life again. In my case it took me several years to
feel back to normal life, just to simply feel happy again. There was an event
that took place in my life which triggered depression.
Many years passed, life moved on and that scary shadow disappeared over time,
but took away 8 years of my life, those 8 years I was breathing but wasn't
living. Those years could have been the most beautiful years of life but I have
no regrets. Thanks to those years they taught me so much about life, about
happiness and sadness. Today I appreciate the smallest and the biggest things
that I am blessed with, whether that's my lovely small family or the air I
breathe in, I am thankful to everything that I have in my life. Today, 10 years
on I feel haunted by the idea that I use to think of ending my life. We must
appreciate life to live it happily and not regret what we have lost. I can't get
those 8 years back or make up for them. But what I can do is make the most of
now.
During my years of depression I lost some precious people in my life but today I
couldn't be happier than I am because it was my decision to either regret, feel
sorry for myself or treat what had happened as a gift. Sometimes I look back but
only to learn something from that difficult time of life and take it as an
opportunity to grow. During my struggle years it was impossible to achieve
success in important things of life like getting a qualification or losing
weight. However, last year I finally completed my psychiatry qualification and
also lost 4 dress sizes. I achieved everything late but I achieved what I wanted
to.
Unfortunately there is no magical treatment to cure depression and it takes time
for patients to get better. What patients can do to help themselves is to ask
for help and be very honest and clear about how they feel.
I recovered fully 3 years ago and chose to start all over again and be happy. If
I could do it anybody can. In the end we get to decide how to treat our life.
Once again, I am ready to take on more challenges that life may bring. Life is
precious and great and everyone has the right to be happy.