“The ideas I stand for are not
mine. I borrowed them from Socrates. I swiped them from Chesterfield. I stole
them from Jesus. And I put them in a book. If you don’t like their rules, whose
would you use?”
“Who was Dale Carnegie?” you may wonder. Well, he was a guy that was born 110
years ago. He died in 1955. He was a rich man, a very successful man.
He wrote a little book called “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. It went
on to sell over 30 million copies. It still sells today and is probably one of
the best books on how to improve your social skills.
Carnegie then continued to write more books and to create courses on how to
interact with people, on how to make friends and on how to gain influence.
In this article I’ll explore 10 of my favourite tips from Dale Carnegie. And as
the opening quote says, these tips have been time-tested for the last few
hundreds or thousands of years. They are pretty solid.
And if you want to then you can learn much more about improving your social life
and relationships in my Simplicity course (there is a written guide that is
close to 50 pages long + a social skills workbook included in that course) and
in the 12-week Self-Esteem Course.
1. Create your own emotions
“If you want to be enthusiastic, act enthusiastic.”
Emotions work backwards too. You can use that to your advantage. If you are
stuck in a negative emotion then you can often shake it off. Change your body –
how you move, sit and stand – and act as you would like to feel. Enthusiasm and
other positive emotions are much more useful and pleasurable for everyone in an
interaction. Because…
2. It’s not so much about the logical stuff.
“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic,
but creatures of emotion.”
This is so key. Logic is good but in the end, in interactions and in life, we
are emotional creatures. We send and receive emotions from other people. That is
one reason why body language and voice tonality is often said be up to 93% of
communication. Now, those numbers were for some specific situations but I still
believe that these two ways of communication are very, very important.
The body language and the voice tonality is a bit like the rest of the iceberg,
the great mass below the tip of the words we use. Those two things communicate
how we are feeling and give indication to what we are thinking. And that’s why
it’s important to be able to change how you feel. To be in a positive mood while
interacting. Because that will have a great impact on how you say something and
how you use your body. And those two things will have a big impact on your
results and relationships.
3. Three things you are better off avoiding.
“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self
control to be understanding and forgiving.”
Now these things may not be easy to avoid all together. Much of our interactions
and perhaps even bonds are created and maintained through those three negative
C’s.
There is a sort of twisted pleasure in criticising, condemning and complaining.
It might make you feel more important and like a better person as you see
yourself as a victim or as you condemn other people’s behaviour.
But in the end these three C’s are negative and limiting to your life. Bringing
up negative stuff and wallowing in it will lower your mood, motivation and
general levels of wellbeing. And this can trap you in a negative spiral of
complaining, complaining with other complainers and always finding faults in
your reality.
You will also be broadcasting and receiving negative emotions. And people in
general want to feel good. So this can really put an obstacle in the way for
your interactions or relationships.
4. What is most important?
“The royal road to a man’s heart is to talk to him about the things he treasures
most.”
Classic advice. Don’t talk too much about yourself and your life. Listen to
other people instead. However, if they ramble on and on, if they don’t
reciprocate and show and interest in your life then you don’t have to stay.
Some things people may treasure the most include ideas, children, a special
hobby and the job. And…
5. Focus outward, not inward.
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people
than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
A lot of people use the second, far less effective way.
It is appealing because it’s about instant gratification and about ME, ME, ME!
The first way – to become interested in people – perhaps works better because it
make you a pleasant exception and because the law of reciprocity is strong in
people. As you treat people, they will treat you. Be interested in them and they
will be interested in you.
I would like to add that one hard thing about this can be to be genuinely
interested in the other guy/gal. Your genuine interest is projected though your
body language and tonality. So, just waiting for the other person to stop
talking so you can talk again isn’t really genuine interest. And that may shine
through. And so your interactions will suffer.
6. Take control of your emotions.
“The person who seeks all their applause from outside has their happiness in
another’s keeping.”
It wrote about this problem a few days ago in 9 Great Ways to Make Yourself
Absolutely Miserable. And it basically consists of being too reliant or
dependent on external validation from other people.
External validation is something someone communicates to you that tells you that
you are person of value. That you, for example, are pretty, smart or successful.
This leaves much of your emotions in the hands of other people. It becomes an
emotional rollercoaster. One day you feel great. The next day you feel like just
staying in bed.
But if you fill that inner cup of validation for yourself instead then you take
over the wheel. Now you’re driving, now you control how you feel. You can still
appreciate compliments of course, but you aren’t dependent on them.
This will make you more emotionally stable and enables you to cultivate and
build your emotional muscles in a more controlled way. You can for instance help
yourself to become more optimistic or enthusiastic more of the time. This
stability and growth can be big help in your relationships.
7. No, they are not holding you back.
“Instead of worrying about what people say of you, why not spend time trying to
accomplish something they will admire.”
Caring too much about what people think will create and feed imaginary monsters
within your mind. You may for instance think that people will condemn you if you
try something. Maybe they will. But most of the time people are thinking
about their own challenges and ups and downs. They just don’t care that much
about what you do.
This may feel disappointing. It can also be liberating. It helps you remove
inner obstacles that are you holding yourself back.
As you, bit by bit or in one big swoop, release those inner brakes you become
more of yourself. You become more confident, you have a better chance at
success, and you will feel more positive feelings and less negative ones. All
these things can give a big boost to your interactions and help you sharpen
those social skills.
8. So, what’s in it for me?
“There is only one way… to get anybody to do anything. And that is by making the
other person want to do it.”
If you want someone to do something then will they care about your motivation
for getting this thing done? Perhaps. Often they will not have that great of an
interest in what you want out of something.
They want to know what they will get out of it. So, for the both of you to get
what you want out of something tell that person what’s in it for him/her. And
try to be genuine and positive about it. A reason for them to do it delivered in
a lame, half-assed manner may not be so persuasive. And so you both lose.
9. How to win an argument.
“The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.”
Getting two egos wrapped up in an argument, having two sides defending their
positions desperately, will not improve relationships. You are more likely to
feel negative feelings towards each other long after the argument is over. And
so you both wallow in negativity and you both lose. When possible, just avoiding
unnecessary arguments is a win-win situation.
10. it’s about more than your words.
“There are four ways, and only four ways, in which we have contact with the
world. We are evaluated and classified by these four contacts: what we do, how
we look, what we say, and how we say it.”
I often feel that there is a bit too much emphasis on the third way of contact
(what we say). Don’t forget about the rest. Most people stereotype people at
their first meeting. They might not want to but it is a way for their – and
perhaps your – mind to organize impressions and people. So think about how you
look. Think about how you make first impressions. Think about your body
language. And how you are saying your sentences.
Think about how you feel because that will be reflected out into the world. And
the world will often reflect back something similar.