My Mum always warned my older
sister that one day I would be big enough to fight back. Most of the time, I
would swing my fists wildly at her but they always missed their mark because I
was just too small. And so the cycle of bullying and physical and mental abuse
continued every single day.
But sure enough, that day arrived. It was a day I dreamed of but never thought
would come. It was on a Thursday night that my sister spat in my face and tried
to slap me while she pulled at clumps of my hair. I swung my arm out to defend
myself, as I always did, but this time it was different. Rather than punching
wildly at the air, my fist reached her face and with the sudden thrill of it
all, I punched her a second time. She screamed and ran to her room, mouthing
obscenities as she slammed the door.
I have never again felt such a burst of complete exhilaration. But although the
physical violence ended on that day, the mental effects were far from over.
You see, my sister had taught me for more than ten years that I was worthless.
Her constant bullying and abuse went unrestrained, giving me further evidence
that I had no value. As a result, my journey into adolescence and adulthood was
devastated by a crippling fear of meeting new people and an overwhelming belief
that failure would become the inevitable outcome of everything I tried to be.
Even though we grow up, we never leave the child that we were behind. Inside
every one of us is that small child, in my case filled with the despair of
worthlessness. But there’s something else. Even though some people are no longer
in our lives, people we were glad to see gone, they too are still inside us,
taunting us with their abusive thoughts.
The single largest obstacle to believing in yourself is believing that you are
not worthless. It may sound easy but in reality it is the hardest thing because
your self-worth was taught to you when you were a child.
Sometimes, we try to hide who we really are. But the person we hide on the
inside is usually the most visible on the outside. A sense of worthlessness
invades our confidence, making us shy, embarrassed, weak-willed. It perniciously
undermines our attempts at being all that we can be.
It took me two decades to value myself. I started by talking to that inner
child. Praising and valuing that child. Stopping the negative thoughts that
reinforced a sense of worthlessness.
Children who are subjected to bullying and abuse don’t leave it all behind. They
are forced to live with it for the rest of their lives.