He's your good friend. She's
your best confidant. You have known each other for a few years and have shared
meals, movies, hobbies and vacations. Suddenly you relationship(s) failed
(Suppose). You can't imagine life without your good friend. But for a while....
You've felt jealous of his dates. You've been overprotective of her since she
has been seeing the grab. You've been having very strong feelings of attraction
and a desire for something more than friendship. Could it be that your feelings
for him/her have grown into something more? If so, your relationship may have
developed into a "friend crush".
You don't know what to do. You know you want to continue spending time together-
more time. But it's getting hard. You dream about having more with this person
and are beginning to feel like a jealous would-be partner. Do you pretend
everything is the same? Do you start distancing yourself- hoping your feelings
will go back to the way they were? Do you actually TALK directly and honestly
with your friend about how you feel?
What will happen to the relationship if you make the WRONG choice?
Just as all people are unique, so are the characteristics of their relationships
with others. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this increasingly common
dilemma. So, let's take a look at your options. You can:
* ignore your feelings, keep your boundaries in check and pretend everything is
status quo In order to choose this option, you must be able to deny your
feelings so well that even you don't know what they are. You will also have to
continue being comfortable on the sidelines while someone else has the
relationship with this person that you desire. You will most likely be asked
what you think of this or that person and be expected to be happy and supportive
of your friend when they meet the right someone for them. In return for all
this, you will still have your friend.
* begin to spend less time with your friend (crush) while seeking out new
friendships to trail and strengthen.
This option will most likely cause confusion and hurt on the part of your friend
who will wonder what happened. They may be understanding and accepting of your
need to spread your wings and support you in doing what you need to do. Either
way, you will see less of them and your relationship can weaken and perhaps
disappear altogether as they move on with new people. If you can distance
yourself for a while and no longer feel the romantic butterflies, you can always
give them a call and may be able to pick up somewhere near where you left off.
* continue the relationship with your own hidden agendas - a desire for romantic
intimacy and the hope that the person will realize that they feel the same way
If they become involved with someone else in the meantime, you can work to
sabotage their new relationship or you can leave them wondering where all your
anger and hurt feelings are coming from. You can spend a lot of time and energy
handling it this way, without anything to show for your efforts but the loss of
a good friend.
* have an open and honest discussion with your friend regarding your new
feelings for him/her This is the choice that seems to be the hardest for folks
to make. Often what I hear from people in this position is that they fear
"ruining the friendship" if they discuss their feelings honestly. While this is
a very understandable concern, it isn't well thought out. It is emotional, not
rational. Look again at the other options. Every one will bring about a change
in your current friendship. Why?
Once your feelings have changed, so does the relationship. Ignoring them, hiding
them or distancing yourself will lessen your closeness and the positive dynamics
that flow between good friends. You can't go back. You need to decide how you
want to move forward or if this is an option for you. . It is also possible in
choosing this option that you will learn that they have similar feelings for you
that they were afraid to reveal. Therefore choosing this option could result in
romance and a love relationship based on true friendship.
Intimacy exists in all close relationships. It is the ability to be completely
open and vulnerable to another without fear of harm or rejection. So, by
definition, we cannot be intimate with another while hiding or denying our true
feelings and needs to them.
The choice will always be yours. Choosing wisely is about really knowing the
options, the consequences they bring and what will be best for you and your
friend.