What you can see with your eyes closed ?

This is important.
How do you tell someone you want to die? How do you explain that your mind is like a chrome window with too many tabs open?

Today I want to speak. And speak not of books or happy things but of something that has been draining me out since 2013. I never realized how difficult it would be to talk about this.

Im a straight A student yet i have anxiety. I know i have a pretty face yet i have anxiety. I have a happy family. I have genuine friends. I have read over a hundred books. Im financially better off than 80% of my country's population YET I HAVE ANXIETY.

it consumes me. It makes my feet drag. I wake up three times, at the same time every night, in my sleep. I feel bad about my ‪#‎fat‬ body. Little things aggitate me. Infuriate me. Crying comes easy and for reason. Feeling like EVERYONE around me is more happier than me and being helpless. No reasons. No triggers.

A second im here, with you and many others and in another second im drowning, gulping anxiety and gasping for air. Nobody sees the struggle for all the times when the brain is having a nightmare, the face is plastered with a smile. They compliment my grin, they tell me my smile is one of the bests they have seen but why cant they see the effort i put behind it? They tell me how lucky it would be to live in my world and i feel like telling them they couldnt survive a day in my mind. I seeked no proper medication except for once(bipolarity meds) and it took me 2 years to figure out how to live and not just exists.

Today I want to tell everyone with ‪#‎anxiety‬ that its okay to suffer. Its okay if you have no reason for anxiety. Mental illness needs no 'stimulus'
Its okay if days pass by with you wanting to sleep for hours and its okay to cut yourself off of social media. I have deleted my accounts several times. I have come close to deleting this account quite a few times. But its okay. Its okay to not want to talk to people and you owe them no appologies. There comes a time when people start blaming you, for being selfish. You arent! There comes a time when sadness becomes addictive. You feel like you are a masochist. You arent!
There comes a time when you feel like you have no energy left in you and you are wasting away. You arent!

And i dont know, for i havent experienced if there is a cure to it. I still suffer from anxiety and with every progressing day it gets worse and it gets better. With every passing day i feel accomplished and i feel rotten.

Sometimes i feel like im a gone case. Getting all hunched up if somebody appreciates you. Thinking your pictures and creativity isnt good enough. Letting people abuse and humiliate you for you think you deserve it. Accepting it when someone ditches you because 'you werent worth the respect anyway'
I have been there and im still there or maybe not.

But through out the process there were things i learned about myself. The more people gave up on me, the more i held on to myself. And accept it when i tell you NOT TO EXPECT FROM PEOPLE. Dont get angry if they say 'what do you have to be anxious for' Dont get snubbed when they say 'same happens to me but hey you'll be fine' Its not their job. No it isnt. Its yours and it will always be your job.

But please dont let it get you down. I dont know how to end it on a positive note because i havent yet found one but i do know that in times when my mind consumes my body and i feel like giving up, i find hope in small things. I let little bits of happiness drive me. I think about how my father loves me. How galaxies are insanely pretty. How i have beautiful books around me and so many more to buy. And if something makes you feel better, dont let people shame you into not doing it, makeup in my case. All i wana say is i know you are struggling and so am i. I know you havent found a way and i havent either. But we are struggling together and no matter what there is always a way out. Al-freaking-ways. Having anxiety doesnt make you worhtless. Having anxiety didnt make me less aware of the fact that im talented and loved and cherished and that im someone, so many want to befriend and be with. It didnt make me less aware of the fact that I can write and i can write well. That i can sing and photograph or that i dress well and look pretty always. I know im worth it but at the same time i know im not. Its a dichotemy and no it doesnt mean im nuts or insane. I didnt ask for my brain codons to mutate and invite this mental illness. Im a genius and so are you. Im struggling but im a warrior and so are you. And even if it never goes away, i will make sure there comes a time when i master it and rise above. Thank you if you are stilll reading. Thank you so much.