A US TV channel presented a
series on the views of children on the way in which their parents discipline
them. The channel hosted some intelligent children who are able to articulate
their views clearly and strongly every week, and in doing so, they would ask
them a set of questions.
In one of the episodes, a mother listened to her child on the television
expressing his views and notes, and talking about the issue of disciplining. The
mother was greatly astonished when she heard what her son had said. The reason
will be shown in this dialogue that took place between the mother and her son
when he returned home.
Mother: Have I ever cut any amount of your daily pocket money as a punishment?
Son: No.
Mother: Have I ever confined you in your room all day?
Son: No.
Mother: Have I ever told you that I will stop you from playing because you are a
naughty child?
Son: No.
Mother: So, why did you claim that I had done all these things with you on
television?
Son: I had to say all these things; otherwise, I would have had to say that you
yell at me every day!
Dear readers and people responsible for the upbringing process,
Perhaps this scene is often repeated in many homes – unchecked anger explodes,
resulting in furious outbursts, throwing insults and name-calling. And who is
the target of all these things? It is the nearest and dearest person to your
heart – your child!
Does the responsibility of raising children cause a psychological crisis for the
people who are responsible for it?
In the absence of positive programming of behavior and parenting attitudes
towards the disruptive, inappropriate and unacceptable behavior of their
children, caregivers may resort to actions and reactions that are associated
with anger and tension, and these are usually negative and destructive. Thus,
our Prophet warned us against acting in the state of anger and ordered us to do
things that remove it and reduce its intensity. That is because at such times, a
person may often act rashly.
What is anger?
Linguistically, anger is the opposite of satisfaction and – according to Ibn
‘Arafah – it is a state in the hearts of human beings which is praiseworthy
sometimes and dispraised at other times. The praiseworthy type of anger is that
which happens to support religion and the truth in the context of correction and
reforming. Beyond these contexts, anger becomes dispraised.
What happens when you become angry?
Agitation sparks involuntary reactions, which irritate the nerves, move the
emotions, suspend thinking, make one lose his balance and it increases the heart
rate, blood pressure and the flow of blood to the brain. The organs are
disturbed and this clearly shows on the person’s features – his color changes,
he trembles, his limbs shake, he is not in his normal moderate mood, his
appearance becomes ugly, and he behaves in a manner that is beyond his normal
boundaries. If the person does not restrain himself, his tongue will utter foul
words and insults and his hand will stretch out to beat and commit violence.
During angry outbursts, one's heart rate accelerates per minute to double the
quantity of the blood flow that the heart pumps or that which runs in the blood
vessels with each pulse. This causes high blood pressure and increases the
secretion of adrenaline.
Should we lose our temper whenever our children make a mistake? How can we bring
them up successfully knowing that this stage is characterized by making
mistakes; since they lack knowledge and experience in many of their life affairs
and are supposed to be living under their parents' guidance and care? Therefore,
whoever is responsible for the upbringing process must learn the art of anger
management, because controlling one's temper has a significant impact on
controlling the behavior of your children. If you keep yourself calm and manage
to get through the difficult situations without agitating your anger, your
communication with your children will be more effective and your punishment will
be more efficient.
Therefore, we invite you to manage your anger, not to cancel it. The Prophet
recommended us to avoid anger, and at the same time he praised the one who
becomes angry when the rules of Sharee‘ah (Islamic legislation) are violated. He
made this prohibition only to warn against the negative effects of anger and
forbade us from negative anger. It is possible that man's anger and agitation
turn to positive qualities should he properly manage and control them. We do not
mean to cancel it altogether because angry feelings are the source of power and
interaction, and represent the sign of his concern about his religion and
values. These feelings help man protect his life, religion, honor and property.
Concerning the upbringing process, if parents and people who assume the
responsibility of raising children do not become angry about the unacceptable
behavior of their children, this will be a sign of the passivity of the educator
and his lack of responsibility. It also shows his incorrect estimation of the
Hereafter-related results of negligence in raising the children.
Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {O you who have believed, protect
yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over
which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allaah in
what He commands them but do what they are commanded.} [Quran 66:6] The Prophet
said: "Allaah will question every caretaker concerning those whom He put under
his care whether he had borne the responsibility or neglected it." [Al-Bukhaari
and Muslim]
Keep your energy for construction not destruction:
If a person does not control himself in critical situations and surrenders to
the dictates of anger and strong agitation, he will find himself consuming an
enormous quantity of his inner energy, which is supposed to be exploited in the
process of construction, education, teaching, constructive dialogue, developing
the skills of the children and enjoying a quiet everyday life. This kind of life
is full of worshiping Allaah The Almighty, reciting the Quran, good
companionship inside the family, helping people and even removing harmful
objects from the road.
Come and take the following steps towards anger management:
Always remind yourself that uncontrollable anger is one of the features of
weakness in the upbringing process, whereas curbing and managing anger as well
as acting fairly with the children while in this state, represents the apex of
the strength and positivity of the person who assumes the upbringing process and
it is a meritorious quality distinguishing the righteous slaves of Allaah The
Almighty. It was narrated on the authority of Ibn ‘Umar that the Prophet said:
“There is no dose that is more rewarded by Allaah The Almighty than a dose of
anger that a slave restrains for His sake.” [Ibn Maajah] [Al-Albaani: Saheeh]
- At the moment of anger when you feel that an ember is burning inside you,
start counting from one to ten before uttering any word and ask yourself this
question, "What should I say now to make my child benefit from this situation?"
- Review the situation that sparked your anger because of your child and rethink
the motives behind such acts. For instance, your child spilled a cup of milk on
his clothes during breakfast because he was trying to be independent and he did
not intend to annoy you. Your agitation in this situation prevents him from
trying to do this again successfully.
- Express what you feel to your child while you are angry and address him with
strong words that take him to a higher level of behavior, which you were
expecting of him. An angry father, for example, may say, "Son, I was angry about
your misbehavior yesterday when you came home late. I was expecting you to be
aware of the proper time when you should return home which I previously set for
you."
- Use the method of neglect and temporary desertion. You might not talk with
your child for long hours or answer his questions with lengthy speech. Show no
concern for him till the blaze of anger dies down, taking into account the level
of strictness in doing so. Surely, you will realize that this method is very
fruitful in guiding the child compared to the other methods that you might
resort to when you are angry.
- Remember that lowering your voice while talking to children helps you feel
less angry and demonstrates your ability to control yourself and control them.
If the child sees that you have lost control of your temper, this portrays you
as a weak person, and he will imitate your weakness or take advantage of it.
- You can use written messages to express your refusal of some of your
children’s requests or behavior. This is an efficient way that can be used with
all people; like spouses, friends and children. That is because we think more
wisely, analytically, and rationally when we write than when we improvise
decisions, judgments and reprimands. Also, agitation cannot be conveyed through
writing as clearly as through speaking. By doing so, you will certainly notice
that the intensity of our anger and the anger of our children will decrease.
- Seek the help of Allaah The Almighty in carrying out your decisions and always
remember the advice of the Prophet "Do not get angry." Use the methods that the
Prophet instructed us to do in order to resist anger, such as making ablution,
taking a bath, changing one's position from standing to sitting and from sitting
to lying down, and frequently seeking refuge with Allaah The Almighty from the
accursed Satan.
Finally, whoever is assuming the upbringing process, remember the following:
Successful management of one's agitation and anger is real strength. The Prophet
taught us, saying: "A strong person is not the one who overpowers others;
rather, a strong person is the one who controls himself at the time of anger."
[Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]
It also means caring for others, looking for right solutions to change the
children's unacceptable behavior, and determination to succeed in your
upbringing duty without severing the strong bonds which connect you together.
Raging anger remains a negative and destructive force in which the child's
response comes out artificial and temporary because it occurred due to fear or
the desire to assuage anger and its consequences. It does not change the reality
of the child for the better, but often aggravates it.
Now, start immediately and decide that: "From now on, there will be no more
violence or anger with our children – Allaah willing."
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Source:
https://www.kidsxone.com/blog/486-controlling-anger-an-essential-skill-for-educators