Finding a marriage partner can
be stressful work at the best of times, but struggling to find the perfect 'Mr.
Right' appears to be an elusive commodity. The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings
be upon him) said: "When a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion,
so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half" [1]. Moreover Islam
advocates that since celibacy is not recommended marriage is encouraged and
highly recommended. “Nikah (marriage) is my Sunnah. He who shuns my Sunnah is
not of me” [2]. Indeed marriage is considered the fundamental cornerstone of
society, the building blocks from which communities will build safe and cohesive
societies.
However finding that perfect partner has become a difficult struggle- one that
many sisters in particular are facing. There are scores of sisters who are
practicing conscious Muslims, adhere to the basic tenets of the faith, dress
according to the Shariah and are looking for a life partner that will match
their outlook on life. A partner that considers Islam as his identity, practices
his faith in his actions, his inner and outer self reflecting these qualities as
well as having the trappings of solid finances and reasonably decent to look at.
(A sense of humor, kindness and compassion hoped for too!) Yet they are unable
to find 'Mr. Right'. Although there are several reasons for this phenomena, this
article will discuss one aspect of this problem faced by many Muslim women. This
is not an exhaustive discussion on the subject, rather focusing on one issue
pertaining to it.
As mentioned earlier, there are a great deal of sisters who would make a perfect
wife yet her suitors are not forthcoming. Having talked to many of these women
who are actively looking for a husband, there is certainly not a shortage of
eligible Muslim bachelors. Rather, those that have had many suitors say their
own lack of 'beauty' was a highly probable cause for 'rejection' by the male
party and its many elements. No matter the manner of the meeting - the
excruciatingly painful interview by a potential mother-in-law upraising herself
of the vital bodily statistics of the sister or of a more subtle nature -
meeting a potential candidate through a third party; the general consensus
appears that appearances play a major factor in the decision making process,
particularly amongst those from the Indo-Pak Sub-continent. The fairer, slimmer
and prettier the sister the more likely she is to obtain a suitor. The darker,
plumper and unconventional looking sister will get very less or virtually no
offers. Indeed there are many sisters who are articulate, well educated and
practicing yet are turned downed consistently, causing disillusionment and pain.
The mass media has become one of the main sources of popular culture in modern
society. It not only entertains but also transfers stereotypes, beliefs and
values of that society which are reproduced within the existing order of social
life. It is a sad fact that its obsession with beauty and weight has infiltrated
down to our Muslim societies governing our choices. Moreover although many of us
will deny overt racism, covert racism exists in many forms, portrayed by a lack
of cross-cultural marriages. Indeed the increase in whitening creams, facial
bleaches is testament to the fact that many women feel a huge pressure to
conform to traditional norms of beauty. Not all of course do so for marital
purposes yet the trend is still there.
So who is to blame? Although I am sure there are many brothers who will argue
they are not so shallow and will consider factors other than attractiveness when
selecting a marriage partner, they appear to be in the minority. It would also
be naive to solely blame brothers for this and it is not the purpose of this
article to have a good 'rant' against them. Although some brothers do need to
re-asses their criteria for a marital partner, family pressure plays a pivotal
role. More importantly some of us sisters are part of the problem. We make up
those families who perpetuate these values. Often, when we are helping parents
search for suitable partners for the male members of our family we too look at
material factors - is the sister tall enough, fair enough and pretty enough to
qualify consideration? We will sit down and analyze photographs in detail,
pointing out particular features and discussing in length the pros and cons of
her face. In short how many of us try to persuade our parents and relatives to
follow the advice of the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) when he
stated: "A man marries a woman for four reasons: for her property, for her rank,
for her beauty, and for her religion (and character). So marry the one who is
best in the religion and character and prosper" [3].
Although the first three reasons have not been ruled out of consideration, a
sisters commitment to the deen and character are given precedence. If she fears
Allah Almighty and does her best to be the best possible person at all times,
when problems arise she will look to the Qur'an and Sunnah for a resolution and
be less inclined to be swayed purely by emotion. She will also be aware of her
duties as a wife and mother, her responsibilities to the family and extended
family and how to cope when problems arise. Piety and taqwa have been stressed
manifold times. The Holy Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) stated: "If
Allah grants a Muslim a righteous wife, this helps him preserve half of his
religion (faith). He should, therefore, fear Allah as regards the other half."
[4] He further stated: "Four things bring one joy: a righteous wife, a spacious
house, a pious neighbor and a comfortable riding animal." [5]
Take for instance the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) and his
first wife, Sayyidina Khadjia (rad). It is well documented that she was not only
15 years his senior but a widow with children from her previous marriage; an
astute businesswoman with character and strength. The entire life of the Holy
Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), from his birth to his demise serves
as a lesson for us all, even in this day and age. A message perhaps to brothers
that youth, beauty and a slim figure should not take precedence over character
and personality. That we should step away from the stereotypes of the media and
look beyond physical attributes and delve deeper to see what defines the
personality of the sister. Does she love Islam and posses taqwa? Is she aware of
her accountability to Allah Almighty in the hereafter? These are fundamental
factors that influence behavior. Often, no matter how perfect a couple may
appear on paper, every marriage can go through a bad patch - where disagreements
and heartache occur. However a sister who truly believes that her every act will
be made to account, every word spoken made to be justified, will often be the
one who will make the first step to reconcile and compromise, even if she
believes she was in the right and her partner was wrong. A sister who is aware
of her nafs, and the battle that rages between the soul and the ego will try and
placate the soul through compassion and understanding as opposed to anger and
rage.
So brothers, it is important to remember when the chips are down, especially
during uncertain economic conditions, will your wife still demand her Swarovski
studded abaya and matching clutch bag or remember Sayyidina Khadija's (rad)
sacrifices when the Holy Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) and his
family were banished in the valley of Bani Shayba. Despite being forced to
endure hunger, extreme poverty and other hardships she still supported her
husband both financially and emotionally.
If you are both blessed with children will she allow them to sit endlessly
playing with their Wi-Fi games while she surfs e-bay whilst gossiping with her
friends? Or will she remind them again and again to do their wudu, pray their
salat, doge the rush hour traffic and take them to the best mosque with the best
tajweed classes and then tuck them up at night re-telling them stories of Imam
Hassan and Hussain's (a.s) playful antics with the Holy Propjet (peace and
blessings be upon him).
When your mother comes to stay and fuss over your food and clothes, commenting
that your shirts do not appear to be ironed to her perfection, will your wife
huff and puff wishing the big bad wolf come and blow your mother away - or worse
do it herself? Or will she grit her teeth, smile pleasantly with patience whilst
serving tea, samosa's and baklava whilst being watched over with eagle eyes,
remembering like a mantra that paradise lies at the mothers feet.
Remember brothers, when you marry, you are in it for the long haul. It is a
lifelong commitment, full of hard work and compromise with good times and tough
times. What is important though, with the right partner, that struggle can turn
out beautifully. Choosing a sister who understands her responsibilities as a
wife, partner and lifelong friend - one who strives to be the best Muslim in
this life surely outweighs more material considerations of outer beauty. As the
Holy Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) stated: "The whole world is
pleasure, and the best pleasure of the world is the righteous woman.” [6]
References
[1]. Shu‘ab al-Iman, al-Bayhaqi, Abu Bakr Ahmad b. Husayn b. ‘Ali b. ‘Abd Allah
b. Musa (384-458/994-1066). Beirut, Lebanon: Dar al-Kutub al-‘Ilmiyya,
1410/1990. vol:4,p:382
[2]. al-Sahih, Muslim, Ibn al-Hajjaj b. Muslim b. Ward al-Qushayri al-Naysaburi
(206-261/821-875). Beirut, Lebanon: Dar Ihya’ al-Turath al-‘Arabi. Book: The
book of Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), chapter: Encouraging Marriage .Volume:
2,p:1020 , Number :1401
[3]. al-Sahih, al-Bukhari, Abu ‘Abd Allah Muhammad b. Isma‘il b. Ibrahῑm b. al-Mughira
(194-256/810-870). Beirut, Lebanon: Dar Ibn Kathir, al-Yamama, 1407/1987 Book:
The Wedlock, Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah),chapter: Both husband and wife should
have the same religion.Volume 5,p:1958 , Number :4802
[4]. al-Mustadrak ‘ala al-Sahihain, al-Hakim, Abu ‘Abd Allah Muhammad b. ‘Abd
Allah b. Muhammad (321-405/933-1014). Beirut, Lebanon: Dar al-Kutub al-‘Ilmiyya,
1411/1990. vol:2, p:175
[5]. al-Sahih, Ibn Hibban, Abu Hatim Muhammad b. Hibban b. Ahmad b. Hibban
(270-354/884-965). Beirut, Lebanon: Mu’assisat al-Risala, 1414/1993, Volume
9,p:340
[6]. al-Sahih, Muslim, Ibn al-Hajjaj b. Muslim b. Ward al-Qushayri al-Naysaburi
(206-261/821-875). Beirut, Lebanon: Dar Ihya’ al-Turath al-‘Arabi.book:c
Book:The Book of Marriage (Kitab Al-Nikah), chapter: the best pleasure of the
world is the righteous woman.” .Volume: 2,p:1090 , Number :1467
By Ghazala Hassan Qadri