I remember when I was in my final year of engineering. I think I was 21 year old back then. It was a strange feeling. I never experienced that before. I used to feel extremely lonely and helpless. I was looking for someone I can say my own or think that he is always with me and I am not alone. And I caught a guy. He was my friend in my university. We were really close friends. I really loved him. I used to hang out with him. We enjoyed each other’s company. Later the year ended and university finished. I started feeling lonelier. My friend stopped visiting me as often as he used to because he was busy in his job, although, I also got the job and was working 9 to 5. But I was missing him. I was waiting for him to see me, longing for his visits. But the question is why?
Why was only I feeling so lonely and not him?
I still don’t know the answer. I don’t think that I was in love with him romantically like a guy loves a girl. But his absence was too painful for me. It was a blessing that I was conscious enough to realized that something is wrong with me. (Actually this blessing has always been with me up till today). However, I was not mature enough to go to the psychologist to discuss my unique kind of feeling back then. But I did started looking some other way to fix me up.
TOP of the list is to keep myself busy.
• I started learning singing which has always been my passion
• I started reading Quran’ translation which I always found interesting.
• I starting saying poems to express myself.
• Writing diary etc
I still remember one night when I made a scary scene with my friend I am talking about. I begged him to meet me as it used to give me some kind of relief. He came but he had to go back earlier which was the last thing on earth I wanted. So I started insisting and requesting him to stay with me for more time. But he could not. Instead, he said that he will finish his work and will come back to meet me. I did not believe him, so I took his wallet and kept it with me. It was a surety of his return. He convinced me to return that to him. He left and did not come back.
That was so poor of me. It was definitely an unacceptable and weird act.
Why did I do it? Was I having some psychological issue? I feel yes. But even when the desire for that friend finished, the base cause was not over… my loneliness.
Later, in my life I moved overseas. I got married. I got children. I got divorced. Many great things happened. Many bad things happened. But this feeling of loneliness has always been with me even now when I am typing these letters.
I discussed it with my many closed friends but they were clueless.
The most surprising thing is that I felt lonely even when I was with my wife and children.
I wonder why is it only with me? Why everybody else in the world don’t feel the same way?
To be continued...